The irony of love killing its true self ..

Dear SV,
I saw your Buzz .. (google buzz).. and thought I would write you back but it seemed lengthy to me so I thought I'll share it on my blog instead ..

You Wrote:

Found it on somebody's blog; Second it... hence Copy Paste :

Things like expectations, control, demands, suppressions, fear, pain, hurt and insecurity are not associated with love. If u are in love, you don’t seek benefits or expect recognition; u don’t demand attention or be manipulative

It’s easy to say, “I love you”. The actual baffle manifests when you have to tell “yourself” that you love a particular person.

 Pramod Upadhyay wrote - 

 Krishnamurti, Bombay, India | 2nd Public Talk, 1959

Sirs, when you love something with your whole being, there is no self-contradiction. But most of us have not that wholeness of love. Our love is divided as carnal and spiritual, sacred and profane, and all the rest of that I nonsense. We do not know the love which is a total feeling, a completeness of being, which is neither of the past nor of the future, and which is not concerned with its own continuity. That feeling is total, it has no border, no frontier, and that feeling is action free of self-contradiction. Don't say, "How am I to get it?" It is not an ideal, a thing to be gained, a goal you must arrive at. If it is an ideal, throw it out, because it will only create a greater contradiction in your life. You have enough ideals, enough miseries - don't add another. We are talking about something entirely different: freeing the mind of all ideals, and therefore of all contradiction. If you see the truth of that, it is enough. 
11:34 am

On reading this I thought I still remember when I loved...
it was/is like I am in love with every other girl that looked good (in any sense)..
And it wasn't bad until I realized that (many) people don't have as strong emotions as I did or still do..
so I started feeling a little angry on this thought.. now this is really strange, the origin of anger from love..!!!
Then I realized that my love was actually my utter weakness..
this love had origins more in keeping what I liked (forgive me, but even my gf) bound to me as I wanted ...
As a consequence, this anger led to some sort of loneliness inside .. and during one of the many nights I woke up at about 3-4am and couldn't sleep no more .. I realized that everybody else was sleeping as good as dead.. sleeping and silent night .. I went on our terrace and the streets were as silent as ruins of yore..

Suddenly, out of sheer frustration that night I just wanted to disintegrate and merge into the blackness of the universe.. to be one with it..and no more myself .. I had had enough of ME..
I really understood.. really .. and I mean I really understood the meaning of the word .. DISINTEGRATE..
That day I really let it go .. the so-called love .. I kicked out the concept of love.. more in the sense of what I thought love was .. and haven't looked back since then..
I realized that love is not a mere individual feeling or merely a feeling for an individual. It is school in itself and has its origins in the universe.. being one with everybody, with the whole universe .. loving every-body and not just a girl or the girls, or your things..  ;).
I don't know whether I am the same man I was that night but it surely did turn me around in some other direction which now feels way too lovely ..

There is no real place for expectations or control or demands or suppression or fear or pain or hurt or insecurity in love which is free of brain.. and bursts right from your heart.. the real love for a squirrel is equal to your love for your woman.. no difference.. of any sorts. It has to be a baby's love for its toys.. and you have to be the BABY himself.. as naive as a puppy..

But this is exactly what we don't want .. we want to be better than a squirrel, every wife wants to be loved better than her mother-in-law .. you yourself want to be loved more than your colleague by your boss.. isn't it?

This is the irony of love killing its true self .. you love, you want love but then it turns into something else.. just the opposite..